I might preface this next writing because of its strength which left me in a state of surprise and shock. A friend of mine recently was searching on-line and came across another blog site that she thought I might be interested in checking out. I told her that I usually don’t read other sites because of wanting to be pure and focused upon my own writings from the Heavens. But my curiosity was heightened and I logged onto this site and became quickly fascinated. This person spoke my language and their experiences even paralleled my own. Yes, they were flying on the outer edges of reality, but so do I. If you have read through my blog you have read of Heavenly visitors, of energy streaming from mountain tops, and even of portals of Heaven and earth. I would say that too is flying on the outer realms of experience and reality. As I read this person’s experiences I got a clear view of what the readers of my own blog must experience. As I questioned to myself, “Can this be?” As this person shared their own personal journeys of Spirit. With my reading of a couple of posts there arose within me an excitement. Feelings of someone out there that is having different experiences, yet traveling a similar journey with even similarities in the details of our experiences. But as I read I also detected a little of dismay towards the LDS faith, but I quickly brushed it aside in my excitement of a fellow traveler of a varied journey. So in my excitement I reached out through an email and introduced myself. In this reaching out I awkwardly stumbled along trying to explain who I was and our commonalities. As I pushed the send button I even had a fantasy of sitting over a cup of tea (of course organic) and sharing stories of wonder with each other in a new friendship. It was then as I read on that I began to regret that I had pushed the send button quite so quickly. As I read of affiliations to a group that seemed to be a subculture of the Church norm. I tried to rationalize to myself thinking, “They really aren’t breaking rules of being dissidents and worthy of excommunication.” And then as I read further into the site’s posts and I started seeing more clearly their… distain (seems a little too strong but might be close) of the Church’s leadership and crying them to repentance. And with this new reading I began to wonder why, as I prayed to the Lord for guidance in reaching out to this person, that I experienced a jolt of energy that was sent through my body. As I interpreted the jolt to be a “yes.” I was now thinking that perhaps it was my own excitement of finding family that I was blinded. That I could not see, or I chose to set aside my earlier inklings of that ‘dismay.’ It was as I laid on my bed and was petting my cat who had just come to bed that I received this writing. A writing of such strength that took me by surprise.
JANUARY 2, 2018 TUESDAY ( AROUND 9:00 PM)
I just called my cat to come to bed, as I planned on doing some reading from the warmth of my bed. As she crawled up and into her bed upon my bed, that I was petting her and she responded with deep purrs. It was as I was channeling my love to her that I had a micro-thought, like an inkling to write and then my body responded with a jolt. Finishing the stroke to her fluffy winter coat, that was interrupted with the jolt shooting through me. I then began to gather my pen and paper to me and lay upon my bed as the words began to flow to me. Words of the Spirit as I began to breathe their welcome …
“Oh My son, it is in this that ye have the time, and yet ye receive thy wisdom of concern and voice. For even as ye have sent forth thy greetings unto the woman of shame, and in this ye have gathered forth thy words of welcome and still await her voice returned. And it is in this that ye are warned to tread slowly in thy journey. That ye should not receive the welcome of the vipers of wrath. For even as they gather around in a deception of unity, they deceive only themselves. For even as the Spirit revealeth, the Spirit can take away. For who is the servant and who is the beggar unto those that stand to be chastened by their Lord.
For even as they speak against Mine church, they know not their cursings. For they speak of soiled linen, but see not their own stains. For even as they deceive themselves in their self righteousness/desires, but their hearts still speak of Me. And in this I turn not My back. But they must come unto Me in a cause of repentance. For as they then come unto Me, ye will see a goodness in their hearts that may be revealed as their eyes are opened unto the scales of he who fights against Me. For even as their eyes are lifted unto their own flows of anger and blame. For thinketh they not, that the hand of their God is not upon all things? And thinketh they not, that they feed the viper that spins his body around their vain and prideful hearts? For even as they speak of darkness that is projected upon Mine church, can they not see the sin in their own hearts? For man thinketh that the sin is upon the accused, but I say, ‘The true sin is upon the accuser.’ For think they not that Mine hand is upon Mine church? For those that condemn see not their own deception of division. But let them stand bright and strong in the pews of Mine church, and be as one. In the Spirit and unity of love.
Oh ye vipers of darkness, cast off thy cursings upon Mine children and let them see again the glory of all things unto Me. For let their eyes be opened unto the vipers that have them bound. Oh ye Mine children, divide not Mine offering unto the Father. But stand as one in Mine love unto the end and then ye will see the righteousness of My ways. Therefore divide not, nor see not the darkness of others, as ye yet stand in darkness. Repent of thy ways as ye cry repentance unto Mine fold. For even as ye condemn, ye stand condemned even in thy condemnation. Oh then repent and cry out no more against My leaders, whom ye know not. Stop thy hissing tongues that have ye bound. Therefore, Mine children, stand strong and be one even as ye see the wickedness around thee. Show the way through light and not be caught in the darkness of the shadow cast; be the light that ye be not the shadow. Murmur no more of thy righteousness not received, but seek ye first the love to be a standard of light and love. Ye need not to divide Mine church but unite in love and burn bright. Stand strong even when your light is not seen among men, but is seen by thine eye unto Me. Thinketh that thy God is blind? Thinketh that I cannot see the hearts of all? For Mine eye pierceth every heart and none can hide. Oh Mine children, be no more condemning, but come in a unity of love and reveal thyselves in love, that Mine light might shine forth and be not divided.
Oh Mine son, be ye warned that he that divideth will be divided from Mine flock unto their own judgment, which they judge. Therefore be strong, yet humble, and divide no more in thy pride and boastings of Mine Spirit. Think ye not that the world is divided enough, that ye cease thy longsufferings and create more division? Oh Mine children, he that deceiveth is not of Mine fold. For I am the Shepard with Mine staff and Mine rod, and watcheth over Mine flock, that there be no division, but unity. And those that wander I call forth unto their return. And warn as the jackals, vipers and wolves enter in. For Mine eye is a watchful eye, and Mine heart is a loving blaze for all to see, that will see. So, awaken and follow the light of Mine love and ye will see the hills and the cliffs before thee. Therefore, look unto Me and I will guide thee in a Spirit of love and patience, even the same patience shown unto thee. Therefore, come and partake of the wisdom of love and ye will prosper in thy goodness that is made to dwell in thee. Therefore, come unto Me and shine, that others might feast off the goodness that is cast of Me to thee. Shine bright and stand strong that ye might be called, ‘Mine’. “
And so I stand warned, and in His love He continues to watch over me and guide me that I may not stumble and fall. As my heart is full of love and gratitude for the Heavens, my thoughts turn in prayer for those that he chastened. I pray, Father, that their hearts will be softened and their ears softened that they will partake of your love and shine bright again. Oh Father, Thy love and patience is great! Thank you.
JANUARY 8, 2018 MONDAY (7:41 AM)
I have been in bed praying and asking for guidance and answers. I am confused about a previous writing that happened in the fall of 2016. When I was mentally questioning the timing of things to come, as I obediently continued to make preparations with my emergency preparedness. The Lord spoke of My not being able to handle the knowledge of knowing the exact time of things in my future. But, He did give me a piece to hold on to by saying, “It will be within a year of the new government.” And in using the logical side of my brain assumed that He was speaking of President Trump’s inauguration. Yet, here I am and all is well. I shared this writing, of warning, with a friend and she fully embraced it; even to the point of turning down vacations and a business trip that we were both suppose to be on this next week. And when she sent me a text asking me about how I felt about the business trip? (That we both were suppose to attend.) I went into a state of guilt and confusion. I feel so overwhelmed about it all. It’s one thing to put the information out there and another thing to have people fully embrace it and planning their lives around it.
So, this morning I have been asking and praying for some direction and guidance. As I am overwhelmed with guilt because of her text in asking about the trip. I usually don’t seek a direct response form the Heavens, but allow the Heavens to choose Their response to my life situation. But as I was pleading and pouring out my heart, a jolt shot through me with the word, “Write,” So here I am testing a patient Heaven as my mind is in a state of push and pull. I am wanting clarity, but not wanting the responsibility of an answer. I’m trying to clear my mind by breathing in order to receive the words and flow… “Oh Father, have patience with this humble servant.”…
“Oh My son, thou art wise in this to come before Me to seek and ask the answers needed to maintain thy life. For as ye assumed, but did not ask. And in this ye performed thy tasks of preparation, and in this I am pleased. But even now as ye seek wisdom, ‘Are ye ready to hear, and are ye ready to receive ? And I say, ‘No. Because ye are still in fear.’ So, I say unto thee, ‘Fear not Mine word, nor Mine hand, because of the responsibility placed upon thy shoulders. For Mine hand is light and My burden made simple. If ye do as I say and ask for Mine hand in all things.’ For even now as ye plead forth thy heart, have I abandoned thee? Nay. Thou art Mine. And even in thy weakness of doubt, I know thy heart. But did ye ask? Nay. Ye took it upon thy own logic and thinking. And I say unto thee, ‘I do want thee to use thy mind; to work things out, but did ye approach Me in a questioning mind? Nay.’ And it is in this that ye are given thy agency and power that ye are free. But, I now say unto thee, ‘Ye are given Mine grace, because of thy heart of intention.’ For even now ye wonder, and I say, ‘Go upon thy trip and know that Mine hand is upon thee, and no harm will be thine.’ For as ye know this ye know thy way. For even as ye ask, ye receive.
For she that is faithful, (My friend) she is of Me. And I will send blessing upon blessing, because of her heart of faith and courage to speak for the will of family and heart. So in this she is blessed unto the end of days and becomes Mine again.
So go forth unto the will of employment that both might be blessed to receive Mine hand. Blessings unto thee as ye go forth.”
JANUARY 21, 2018 SUNDAY (11:49 PM)
I just finished my bedtime prayer which was filled with gratitude. My heart was pouring out in the comfort of my home as I just returned this evening from that week long business trip to Dallas. As I was saying, “Amen” to my prayer I heard a clear message to write. In my exhaustion, I am breathing for a focus and clarity as I open up to the Spirit…
“Oh My beloved son, thou art blessed because of a heart seeks Me, and finds Me. For even as ye have poured out thy love and concerns for thy family and the world ye still see the hand of thy Lord, Mine hand, upon thee. For hath not My Spirit opened thine eyes and shown thee the wisdom of a world in distress? Have ye not witnessed the world’s addiction to self? For can ye not see the chasm continue to grow from year to year? So now ye see with eyes awakened unto a world that has fallen under the guise of he who fights against Me.
My son thou art struggling in thy exhaustion to keep thy eyes open. Know this, that thy love is heard and the Heavens rejoice in the goodness therein. Sleep, My son, as I send forth Mine angels to watch and protect. Sleep, My son, and know that ye are loved.”
I was struggling to stay awake and be clear enough to receive, as I would nod off into sleep and my pen would drag across the paper. I am grateful for a patient and loving Father.
Also, I might fill you in for understanding…
I returned, as I mentioned, from the Dallas Market where you can practically find everything under the sun that is manufactured product for a retail business. I traveled there helping another local company purchase for next year’s fall and Christmas décor. As the writing spoke of, my eyes are awakened to the “Chasm” and “fallen world”. I walked amongst the hundreds of thousands of products created by a world that is “addicted to self” (which I found all interesting phrasing). And yes, I witnessed the chasm between the world and the Heavens growing even wider and deeper. As I mentioned last year, that the Halloween displays and products are becoming more numerous and expansive. I was aware, as I pursed the aisles of Halloween product, of the disregard for sanctity towards that which has been held in esteem by the Christian world. I saw the usual ghosts and gore, but as I also mentioned last year was the first time I saw winged angels with skulls and the sacred defiled as the world is paying more and more homage to the adversary. And this year to my surprise I even saw an automated Ouija board, which to me and to the world is an accepted sure sign of darkness.
I want to be clear and say that I am not so condemning of people. For I too, years ago, would have been oblivious to the chasm. But as I get closer to the Savior, my road is getting more and more narrow. Not that my love and acceptance for all has changed, but the refining perspectives have shifted me into another awareness So, as I was giving thanks of my opened eyes and His guiding Spirit I was told to write.
JANUARY 27, 2018 SATURDAY (1:33 AM)
I just laid my hand on my cat as she is curled up beside me on the bed. With my hand on her she began to purr, which became more animated as she began to knead the curled blanket comprising her bed on my bed. With my hand and her purr, love flowed between us and moved upward to the Heavens as I audibly and repeatedly spoke, “I love you Father.” I gently held my hand on her back as she went into a kneading state of bliss. I continued to unite in a love that not only was between she and I but also that streamed to the Heavens, as I also continued to audibly speak my love to our Father. In this unified state I was able to glimpse/feel the love that unites all in a eternal state of oneness. With a jolt this united energy shot through my body and made my hand spasm as it was embedded in her fur. As this all occurred I heard, “Come to Me and I will bless thee.” I am pulling my pen and paper to me as I still hear her content purr and I now begin to breathe for His blessing…
“Oh My son, thou hast seen and felt the unifying force of love that is the force of all life. That which unites Heaven and earth and all creation therein. For as ye open unto the sanctity of such a love, so it is that ye open unto Me. And in this ye receive Me and in this the Heavens receive thee. For there is not one without the other. For My glory is in thee and ye art in Me, and in this is the eternal praise of oneness that ye begin to know. For as ye continue to open unto such, ye then know the oneness that ye have sought and asked. For have ye not asked for a oneness in Me? And can ye now see that thy path has been even unto this very request? For ye have been opening with every praise, with every word of love uttered unto the Heavens in such seeking and now can ye not see? For love abounds for thee, and all that seek Me in their heart. For it is in this that the world would be healed if all would rejoice in a single breath of this oneness of love. For did ye yet glimpse for a moment the clarity of unity? And in this ye now know the way unto the gift of love which holds all. All that will open and receive can know the embrace of Heaven in a unity that flows through all.
For can ye now see that in thy love to save (my rescued cat), ye opened unto the love of God. For even as ye struggle to find love in thy weakness, can ye now see the answer to thy struggle? Did ye not feel that which can heal every heart? For as ye loved Me in thy words, did the windows of reality open and show thee trust eternal? For as ye continue to open thy heart in a humbleness to receive, even then ye are ready to receive and the Heavens are open.
Oh Mine children, come unto Me in such a love and allow thy hearts to receive that which already exists. For seek ye this and know the love of God, that already embraces thee, that ye yet cannot know. Open thy hearts that ye might come unto Me in a oneness of love. And in this all is blessed and eternity is given its glory. For even in this ye can see the eternal nature of all things.
Oh My son, lay thy head upon thy pillow and know that ye lay thy head upon Mine arm that is for thee. And ye begin to know the love of God, that is of such support, of such a gentle love. For what loving father would not offer his arm for such a child? Oh Mine children, receive Me in such and ye know the healing love that floweth unto all that will receive. Blessed art thou, My son, to know such a love. For in this ye know Me even as I am. Rest well and know that I am with thee, and can hear such an offering of love, and rejoice in such. Eternal is the glory of such a love.”
FEBRUARY 5, 2018 MONDAY (12:34 AM)
I fell asleep watching TV and woke up to Joel Olsten peaching on God exceeding our expectations. As he spoke I had hope that my currant hiding from God would end. That I would receive the strength needed to move forward and turn from the TV that has held me captive for the last few days. I have been so confused and puzzled. It feels like I am in a fog, a fog of hiding. Its like I can see the sun burn through the layer of fog and I get a glimpse of the sun’s brightness and warmth only to feel the weight and dampness of the mists cover me again. Before turning off the TV and heading to bed, a prayer of strength bubbled up from inside me as I asked, “Father, what is keeping me bound?” And the answer came in an instant reply, “Shame.” With that single word came the realization of my healing path, a path that has recently taken me back into therapy. The outward motivation for therapy was my family being in crisis, but as I was focused on the external the hidden internal was beginning to be exposed. My shame. A shame that is difficult to untangled to know what is mine and what belongs to my mother. The same pain that I have talked about in the past that was part of my being in utero and the same shame that has left me bound. The shame that was recognized by my therapist in our last visit. As he recommended an older book that I read way back in the eighties as I first began my healing journey. The book being, ‘Healing The Shame That Binds You’ authored by John Bradshaw. And it was in tonight’s (or better said, this morning’s) Heavenly reply, “Shame.” that sent me to my knees for my bedtime prayer. As I knelt at my bed and began my prayer for strength and understanding, I glanced over and saw a face that melted my heart. I saw my cat as she was watching me as I prayed. Her head resting on her paws and her eyes spoke of adoration as I was on my knees in a humbled state of asking. The same face that bit me earlier this evening for the first time for some obscure reason. But now as I knelt with a melted heart, I wondered out loud to Father, “Is this what a parent feels in the disappointment of a child?” as I referred to His and my relationship. And in this questioning and realization I turned my prayer into a plea of forgiveness. A plea for my disappointing behavior of hiding from the Heavens. It was with my softened heart and this uttered prayer that I heard, “Write My son.” That is when I gathered my pen and paper to me and began to write this preface and with a hope that Heaven’s heart might also melt in my own actions of disappointment. I am now beginning to breathe to see if there is more from the Heaven’s besides the insights of my wandering thoughts and some inklings of some self awareness. Pausing and waiting as I breathe…
“Oh My son, it is in this very awareness that My love is given freely because of the intention of thy heart. For as a child kneels before Me, in such a humbleness and love, it is then that My heart is opened unto forgiveness. Even as ye felt in thy softness of heart towards thy angel of fur. For it is in such a great love that forgiveness is written/designed, for there is neither one without the other. For as thy sister expressed her own forgiveness as she returned to her heart of love. And now as ye witnessed thy cat, and did ye not feel the same? And so it is with My own great love for all of Mine creation. For there is no separation in love, but only the uniting bond of unity. And in this is the act of forgiveness of the mis-intentioned. For love reigneth in the Heavens, and all come unto Christ is forgiven through Christ, but not all will receive Mine love. And so it is in thy hiding in shame. For did ye not have Mine arm as a pillow? And yet in this, such a great love, thy carried darkness was triggered, the carried shame from generation to generation that has left thee hiding. The very seed of shame that sent My first creations into hiding their nakedness. So it is that from generation to generation that the seed is passed because of the imperfection of choices made. And thus from generation to generation doth it compound upon itself until one such as thyself sheds the light upon such a burden and decides to bear it no more. And in such is the great love of Mine Only Begotten made manifest.
Therefore, Mine children, come unto Me and receive that ye might be blessed. For ye thinketh that understanding is needed but, I say unto thee, ‘That the atoning sacrifice of the Beloved Lamb is understanding enough. For the mind doth not need every ‘T’ crossed and every ‘I’ dotted to receive. For all ye need is a heart of desire and in this is the grace of God granted unto thee to know the love of God. Oh Mine children, open thy hearts to receive Mine love and in this ye shall find Me. But ye choose thy hiding places because of this very shame that ye are burdened.
Oh Mine son, ye shine thy light and see, but ye see not all that does and can bind thee. Therefore allow Mine gift to grace thee and lean not unto understanding. For how can one sort out the combined shame of generations? Therefore lean unto Me and receive My love and ye will be blessed even in thy weakness. For are not all men weak, and is this not the human condition? But as ye know, if ye cast thy burden unto Me it is in Mine great love that all will be made without burden and thy load made light.
Therefore Mine children, cast off thy weight in Mine Holy Name and receive Mine love which is sufficient for all. Blessed art thou son, that ye can hear and know Mine love that awaits thee once again.”
FEBRUARY 19, 2018 MONDAY (MORNING)
This is an experience that I had as I was drawn to breathe.
This morning, as I woke up, I immediately fell into a state of love and prayer. Having a desire to be one with the Heavens, even as I have still been floundering in my hiding from the Heavens. My thoughts and heart kept bringing me back to the breath. It being a holiday and having the day off, I laid back down again on my bed and began to breathe the connective breath that most always opens the door of experience, and often understanding. With the soles of my feet pressed together and my hands on my heart I breathed in the morning coolness of the room’s winter chill. As I breathed this connective breath, my nostrils felt like menthol as the coolness continued to pass through them deep into my lungs, and then being released with a letting go as the air escaped out my mouth. This rhythm quickly brought results as I started to connect and feel my energy moving through me. This breath took me through the layers of my body each calling for attention but with my thoughts continually returning to my breathing I was able to ride the connective breath until it burst beyond the physical into another realm of experience. Upon realizing this other dimension I was immediately greeted by an image. With no time to be produced by creative thought, this image welcomed and beckoned to me to follow. The image, being a personage of spirit, in which I was not familiar. It did not look human-like in appearance, and had a non-threatening air about it. It carried the shape of a coma and yet I sensed that it had personality and intelligence. This assessment was happening within seconds as we quickly moved and I became aware of another view in the distance. We were moving to what looked like an elongated, horizontal shape. When suddenly I was standing at the opening of a long ornate hall that was grand in scale and appearance. Each side of this hall was flanked by what appeared to be Romanesque columns. I wasn’t aware anymore of the spirit-like personage as I stood transfixed at the entrance. But, while standing there I heard or perhaps received a thought-form naming this majestic hall, “The Hall of Justice.” It was as I entered that I became aware of a dreamlike image to my left that was framed between the first set of pillars. This dreamlike image I could not decipher as I was quickly moving deeper into the hall and I became aware that between each set of pillars was another scene. The scenes opening to my view as I continued further down this hall, and yet it was all happening so quickly that I could scarcely take it in as I tried to understand my experience. As my mind tried to catch up to my experience I heard, “Chose the goodness of your heart.” It was then that I became aware of more scenes that appeared to be of a nonrealistic sexual nature. It was here that my sword appeared and I used its power to disperse the images in front of me. As I continued down the hall passing each set of pillars I had a feeling of disconnection or non-attachment as I vanquished the images as they appeared. I wasn’t even able to see the images in clarity as I continued to disperse them with the tip of my sword. It was as I was deeper into the length of the hall that I became aware of my deceased brother, and in the following scene of pillars my deceased mother, both being on my left. Then as I turned to the pillars opposite, on my right, I became aware of my living ‘angel of fur’, my cat. With these scenes, holding my loved ones, my sword instinctually positioned itself with the point down and I began to power it with intention as it started to spin and generate a loving energy of transformation. It was as I was doing this that the vision of the hall took another form and became a vast circular shape resembling a large colosseum, still with its framing pillars and their scenes, but was now far off in the distance as it circled me. It was here that My mind began to flash to Christ and His detachment from the world. As I began again to focus on my breath, with my breathing I felt and witnessed my energy begin to expand. Expanding until it was like a birthing, that I burst into another experience, level of awareness or dimension. It was with these next images that I began to question and wonder if I have seen one to many ‘Harry Potter’, ‘Lord of The Rings’ or ‘Avatar’ movies.
It was in this new dimension that my awareness opened up to viewing several large over-sized eagles all about me. Some where perched and resting still, while others were in flight. I was suddenly aware that I was on the back of one of these huge birds which was taking me high in flight. It was here that I decided to let go of the images and focus more on my breathing and the energy that was moving through my body. Even though the images were of a dream-like or fantasy nature the energy coursing through me was very real.
It was as I was focused on my energy that I became aware of a very peaceful feeling as I opened to my visuals again. As I watched the bird lift to a dimension where all the visuals seemed to flatten out like laying down the scenery or flats of a stage play. The eagle was gone. The scenes or visuals were also gone, and all I was left with was this gentle sense of peace. In this peace I had thoughts and remembering’s of my reading of Christ fasting in the desert and being tempted my the adversary and His denouncement of Satan. It was then that I became aware of a darkness in front of me as I began to sense the colosseum form and their scenes now merging onto this dimension. My focus was now riveted upon the darkness directly in front of me. Only the length and tip of my sword was separating this darkness and myself. As I remained focused on this darkness I could see, in my peripheral, the pillared scenes. I still witnessed in my peripheral, staying transfixed on the darkness ahead, darkness escaping from these pillared scenes and summoned to the source in front of me. It was as if the summoned darkness was taking form as I watched the form reveal, the adversary himself. His presence was menacing, as I prepared myself for battle. But it was in this heightened state that instinct mixed with nonverbal instruction took over and I began to build the energy about me. It was as I conjured up my own will and the light of the Heavens flowing to me that the energy became as a fire surrounding me. Which became a fierce fire in its brightness and countenance. It was then that I saw the menace turn to cower, as Satan himself recoiled in fear as I watch the energy surrounding me engulf him and he became just a dot or speck in proportion to the energy of radiance. It was in this visual and watching the speck of darkness that I learned the binding of Satan. It was as the visuals dissipated that my mind flashed on the yen yang symbol of its dark and light, and past writings of the laws of balance and polarity. Past writings of the Lord explaining that darkness is always present as is our focus of intention. And now viewing the speck of darkness grow in a non verbal lesson and watching the radiance of light become the speck. This visual lesson showing and teaching me, that it is with choice and focused intention that determines the ruling and binding of light and darkness. And it is in this lesson that my mind remembers the teachings of the scriptures that in the Millennium, Satan will be bound for a thousand years.
As I ponder the lessons learned through the breath of experience; I think of the volumes that are and could be written but are taught in a more clear and poignant manner, taught through experience. As I now know that it is through the denouncing of the attraction of the world and clinging to the rod, as in Lehi’s dream, that intention is determined. And it is in the refrain from worldly desire and false power that Christ was showing us the way through His experience of the adversary in the desert. All these years I have been pleading to the Heavens for salvation from the darkness that is within me. Darkness that pesters me like a buzzing fly. And it is in these breaths of consciousness that fantasy, or valued archetypes, turn to valued lessons of Light and dark. It is in these experiences that I learn that the true power is Light, Light of the Heavens that can be as gentle as a peace, or as fierce as a binding flame.
I continue to choose, and pray in humbleness that I may always choose, ‘the goodness of my heart.’
MARCH 2, 2018 FRIDAY ( 6:16 AM)
I was just waking up and was offering my heart and gratitude to the Heavens for waking in some relief. Because last night I was in a battle, which felt like a battle for my sanity. Something had slowly come over me which was so dark and it felt so invasive and consuming, that I eventually had to use the Priesthood authority to cast it off and out. I am keeping the Heavens waiting, as I have been told to write, so I will address this in more detail later. I am beginning to breathe and prepare my mind to receive the words of Spirit…
“Yes, My son, even as ye breathe ye hear My words and it is a word of promise and hope. As ye even now know the slightness of ease that the ‘prince of darkness’ uses to come over thee and to entrap thee in the web of lies that are sown in thy mind. To believe all that he has sown, hoping to be undiscovered and to come into a fruition of darkness and pain. For as ye have been in this state of overwhelm and neglect, ye have been in his thoughts and in his ever so subtle power of pervasive thought and darkness. For have ye not felt, which ye have thought, depression for weeks? Have ye not felt the weight of life and a weight of hopelessness? Have ye not felt his subtle hand sow the thoughts of pain and helplessness of a past that ye cannot overcome? For ye thought that ye were in the throes of therapy, as ye have been opening again doors of the desperation of childhood. But I say, ‘Even as ye have looked into the past, ye have also been sown the seeds of negativity and overwhelm. For would not a Heaven of love give thee hope and a path of forgiveness to lift thee out of a darkness that was so negative upon thy soul? But it has been week upon week that ye have fallen unto that which has not been named. That which has left thee lifeless and without will; in front of the television to be paralyzed by the darkness that was not only then but even now. Could ye not feel the subtleness of Spirit calling to thee to awaken out of the trance of darkness? Could ye not know that will of darkness was upon thee and devouring thee? For it was bite upon bite, likened unto thought unto thought that your hope and light was being taken from thee. For ye were deceived in thinking that ye were experiencing the weight of thy childhood’s past. Ye could not see that it was not only the past made present, but it was sown with the very darkness that had hopes to destroy a warrior of God. For did ye think that I had forsaken thee? But it was thee that was slowly turning from Me. Thy heart was still with Me, but thy hope was slowly being consumed by a darkened mind that was sown by his hand, himself. For even as I come unto thee to lift thee it has been he, himself, the very ‘prince of darkness’, that has so subtly been weaving his web of darkness that subtly mirrors the thinkings of the mind that one cannot detect his craftiness. For even as he was given his hour the Heavens did not and will not forsake thee. As We patiently wait for the cry out for help, in pain of desperation which ye were in last night. For ye could not muster the strength until it came to the very ebb of breaking, as ye questioned thy sanity, as the darkness fed upon the very soul of strength that ye have been. For in this now clarity of light, can ye not see that the weeks of progressive hopelessness, perceived as depression from a life lived, slowly became a weight of darkness that had thee bound. For it was week after week that the Heavens could only whisper and hope, but as ye have seen the end of thy struggles of thyself wearing Priesthood robes of glory, so it is that ye are held in the hand of God. To experience all ye must pass, through the trails of faith, that ye might be made strong to endure all things. And in this is the struggle of birth unto the beauty of what will be.
For doth not the beauty of the butterfly struggle to be revealed of its cocoon of safety? Doth not every human and every creation struggle to be birthed into life? And so it is in the process of spiritual made perfect. It is upon struggle upon struggle until ye are birthed unto such a glory that ye will carry into the next and beyond. For in this a patient Heaven awaits the cry out of choosing, and in this is the respect of agency. And in last night’s desperation, did ye not find relief in My name as ye cast off the darkness of deception? For it is in thy choosing the Angels of Light await, and it is in thy choosing that the action of God is given. For in this is the kingdom laid and in this is the honor given, that every man, woman, and creation might know themselves.
For ye thinketh that the goodly of God are free from such testing, but the testing becomes even more severe as ye become closer because of the fight of darkness for thee. For ye think that all weakness should be healed with Mine hand and I say unto thee, ‘That weakness is given and allowed because of this very hand that is offered, that ye might know thyself and whom thou art.’ For if I saved every creation from every struggle would they know their beauty? Would they know their strength of the struggle of birth? For even as ye struggle to have the Hand of Light to lift and support, that ye may not be consumed, But would ye know thy strength if I had taken away thy beginnings of pain?
Oh ye My creation, know not that even as ye struggle and hope in a relief of such pain, it is a Heaven that weeps with thee even in a knowledge of light and goodness. But ye feel and struggle, as a silent Heaven watches in a loving heart with tears streaming that ye might know whom thou art. For even in this ye begin to know the love of God that will lift and protect even when ye cannot. For thy mind questions such an outcome where the end is not given in such a relief. And I say unto thee, ‘Even in those that life becomes and ends, Mine hand is upon all. And even in death is there not more life?’ So ye think that the murders are unfairly taken, but is there not relief in such? For ye thinketh with minds finite, and ye see not the continuing flow unto life. For even as ye struggle ye cannot see all, and so ye judge and condemn God. But what hand has given thee life? And what hand has given life beyond what ye know as life? For the hand of God is a merciful one, and in My mercy I allow the struggle of life to bring forth the beauty of what will be. For can the butterfly see the wings of beauty while in the struggle? Can the beauty be beheld by the struggling child, that becomes adult only to pass unto the becoming of death? Now only in the Observer of such struggle are the wings of beauty revealed. For fear not thy struggles but relish in them for they are what make the beauty more pronounced.
Therefore Mine children, know hope. And know that thy Creator is with thee and waiting for thy hand reached out to receive. For Mine hand is always awaiting, even when ye think that ye are alone and without hope. Know ye this, that hope is always around the corner. So keep a mind of brightness that ye might see the hand of God waiting to receive thee. Know this and ye know the love of God.
Blessed son, ye called out in thy pain and ye were heard, even with Mine hand. Know the love of God made manifest.”
MARCH 15, 2018 THURSDAY (MORNING)
‘Preserve me, O God: for in Thee I put my trust.’ Psalms 16:1
These words cut through the layered mists that have continued to keep me lost for weeks. Bound in my sin, or weakness, a sin not of an act but of omission. A weakness that has kept me bound in a lack of desire for movement, an absence of will. Paralyzed by invisible flaxen cords. In the beginning there was some struggle as Spirit whispered to me, but day after day of frustration, emotional pain, and exhaustion my hearing was deafened. My guilt turned into numbness, and the unseen flaxen cords tightened, as my light slowly diminished and my brightness became now just a glow. All goodness was not gone, there was just enough left to keep me functioning in my secular and spiritual worlds. Enough light to keep me performing my duties and tasks… reaching out to those in need, teaching a Sunday School class, or putting together my father’s nighty-seventh birthday party. Just enough light to hide my hiding. The television remote became another appendage, an extension of my hand. With every plop in front of the TV the invisible cords tightened. The dampening darkness that was external now wrapped around my heart of blaze bringing it into a functioning glow.
This has been my life over the last several weeks. Those dampening mists that I have spoken of in recent writings, that the sun would burn through in a moment of relief and only to cover me again, has been my recent existence. I have been numbing myself with the TV because of my overwhelm of pain. The Lord named it as ‘shame.’ I have been so overwhelmed in even trying to identify this pain, a jumble of past and present. Where does one issue end and another begin? The pain and shame of my childhood, of my being gay in a world (forty-five years ago) that hated me for who I was. The anger, that I thought was resolved against God for what appeared as a set-up for failure. The pain of generations, of unresolved shame and sin, that became mine as I took my mother’s pain for our survival. The now pain of my family in turmoil, and my inability to find any resolve as self proclaimed mediator, and being viewed as adding to their pain. One end weaving into the next, making it nearly impossible to even begin to identify a method of untangling. And so in my pain, frustration, and shame I have chosen to numb myself. And it was in this numbing that I would hear the whisperings of Spirit and I would turn up the volume on the remote in my hiding.
Last night, I felt the Spirit withdrawal and felt the condemnation of a patient Heaven. As I asked myself, “How could I?”! The Heavens having given me so much and how could I now turn a deafened ear? Condemning myself, fueled by feelings of unworthiness, I knelt and offered a plea for help. A pleading, asking for help to navigate through this darkened time and to regain my will. I crawled into bed and felt what it was like without the Heavens near.
It was before sunrise, in the morning darkness, that I offered my heart to the Heavens. As I pleaded again for help and drew my feet, sole to sole, in what has become my posture for oneness. As I was drawn into my breathing; focusing on the rhythm and flow as the energy was pulled into me and then released. I called upon the Heavens to send forth the warrior angels to rescue me. As I made this request I flashed upon Archangel Michael with his sword. It was with his awareness that I saw him thrust his sword into me, on the spiritual realm. The thrust of his sword was not in an attempt to harm me, but in an attempt to release me. As I saw in response to his action, slug like shapes of darkness lift from me. It was the workers of darkness that had kept me bound with flaxen cords, and were sucking the very will and life out of me. While in this heightened state my body began to jolt with a charge of energy. Next, I only sensed with spiritual eyes, His feet hovering above me just below my chest. As I have viewed in the past, the same prints in His feet that marks my Savior and Lord. It was without hesitation and in a knowingness that I placed my hands on His feet in a choosing. A choosing of Him. In this choosing, came my returned will and determination to follow Him. A strength flowed to me in a resolve to overcome my hiding and feelings of unworthiness. The trap of the adversary, a trap of the addiction cycle. A lightness of spirit and body returned to me that I haven’t felt in weeks.
In my weeks of TV watching, I would often turn to the religious channels in attempts to ease the guilt of my hiding. It was on one occasion that I heard a man share his death experience where he was instructed by the Lord on many topics. The one that stood out the most is that the adversary has ‘spiritual assassins’ that are focused on those who are trying to move towards the light of the Heavens. I truly believe that as we come closer to Christ, we become the view of the adversary with his arsenal of discouragement. And in this hopeless state, his assassins of spirit work their darkness. In my darkened hours I questioned my experiences, even these writings being a product of some ulterior part of myself. As I questioned myself and my intentions, I thought of Christ asking His apostles if they were going to leave Him also? And it was in their response that I identified and took some hope as they replied, “Where else shall we turn?” I too, where else shall I go or turn? After having the joy of His love, what will satisfy me? What will quench my thirst for truth? What will ease my hunger for peace? It is only with hands placed on His feet that one can know Him and His great love. And it is only in this humbled position that one can have the resolve of strength to continue the battle of Light.
“Preserve me, O God: for in Thee I put my trust.”
March 29, 2018 Thursday
I am still asking a quiet Heaven to preserve me as I put my trust in Them. I continue in a mode of assessing and committing to my spiritual path as I try to navigate still a rocky road, of past and present, a road of emotions and disappointments. Even though there haven’t been any writings I don’t feel abandoned by the Heavens. The truth is, I have been blessed to have heard as much as I have, and They probably have spoken as much as I need. But I still invite and welcome an interactive Heaven as I try to journey the path before me.
It was last week as I was in my therapy appointment, as I was seated on the sofa and trying to articulate the struggle of the previous weeks, that I felt an energy and emotion grip me. This energy/emotion was coming from deep within me, but I couldn’t get my mind wrapped around it as it fluttered like a butterfly just beyond my reach. I told my therapist, “I think I should breathe into it.”, which he welcomed. As I breathed jolts of energy were passing through my body as the emotion was bubbling upward and my mind was able to grasp the elusive butterfly. It was in a ‘thought-form’ that my mind was able to grasp the multi layered information as it moved upward from deep within me. This thought-form came layered with the images of my hands on Christ’s feet, of my need for approval, and of the hole that is within me. As I began to try to put words upon that which has never been spoken, my truths began to take form. These truths that have been hidden deep within me. These truths that had been created in my earlier years, a reaction to my then world around me and my need for survival. The realizing emotion now took form into thoughts that showed me how I lived not within myself, but in the wants and needs of others around me. Never really knowing who I truly am. Yes, it looked like I was the acting-out troubled child. A role that I acted out only because I wasn’t safe. And as I grew, I continued to act out, by dropping out of school in seventh grade and isolating because of these very same feelings of not being safe. And in the isolation my choice of solace for my pain was then as now… my beloved TV. So, if I lived outside of myself for being ‘liked’ I could get the love and approval for survival. I know that it sounds like a contradiction of wanting to be ‘liked’ and acting out, but its very acceptable if you are the ‘needy’ and ‘troubled’ child. So as I grew I unconsciously found the fine balance of being troubled and living in other’s needs, to be liked or accepted. Even now, as I try to put this into words it all starts to jumble and becomes frustrating. And I share these things only because you are on this path with me, as the Heavens try to cleanse me and open the way for more light.
As I continued to share with my therapist, I shared that I haven’t truly experienced who I am, in my entirety. It’s like I have a hole within me because of my identifying as ‘gay’ or as the Church likes to refer to as ‘having same sex attraction.’ As I choose my spiritual path then I am left within me a hole as I try to extrapolate a part of myself. And when I chose the natural man or way of the world I had to sever another portion of myself. So I have never felt or experienced myself as whole. And I think that this is the source of my greatest pain. With this are the thoughts that I am not enough the way I am. And will never be good enough because of this battle of opposition that rages inside of me. And when you hear me speaking of my sin, it isn’t that I am acting anything out but of what I am not doing. Perhaps playing into this very view of myself not being enough.
I know I sound so very much conflicted, and I am. I ask myself, “How can I ask another to walk this journey of being gay and Mormon? How can I ask a youth to never experience a portion of themselves? How can the world that doesn’t see through spiritual eyes even begin to comprehend this path?” As my therapist pointed out, perhaps this is why the many spiritual gifts in my life, to help compensated for such a difficult journey. And as we concluded, that many enter his office that appear to have everything and still feel the void or hole. Perhaps it is only through the Heavens, with our Savior and Lord’s healing touch that all will be made whole. I do know in living as the natural man and having a sense of spirituality, and now with having tasted the fruit of His love, in this comparison it continues me on this very difficult path to His presence.
Perhaps in retrospect all this suffering for the past weeks or months are not a wasted suffering, but of a suffering of purification. A healing suffering to allow that which was buried so deep, and the very core of all my hiding and pain, to be birthed. The self realizing… that I am not enough. And with this is the truth that we are all not enough, but only become enough through our Savior and Lord, Jesus Christ.
In this Easter week, just days before His celebrated resurrection, I think over the past five years since my baptism. My own burial of a life lived and a new path that is led by Him. Christ’s teachings and journey was never the easier road traveled and many left because of its difficulty, and that is why He asked His apostles, “Will you leave me also?” And as I mentioned before their and my response, “Where else shall we turn?” So it is in what appears to be my confliction is my strength, as I choose the difficult journey of His lead. And as I journey, I join with the ranks of Paul who traveled also with a thorn in his flesh, and I also await the healing touch of the Master.
March 30, 2018 Friday (6:06 am)
I just woke and reached over and while I was petting my cat I was offering my love to the Heavens. It was while in that state of offering my love that I heard, “Write, My son.” It feels like an eternity since I have received a writing and I am a little nervous. I am beginning to breathe for the Spirit and the words to flow…
“Oh My son, it is in the worth of a soul that I speak unto thee that ye might know the wisdom and love of God. That ye might know the love of every being that has, does and doth exist spiritually and temporally. For as a man, woman, child, creation cometh unto Me, and so it is that I come unto them; and in doing so the bond is strengthened. For man wonders, “Doth not God love without limits?” And I say unto thee, “That the love of God is eternal, but the relationship of God is within the limits of accountability.” For as a being opens unto Me, and the Heavens, it is then that the relationship is formed or bonded because of the very laws of agency. For yes, the Heavens watch and aide as the laws allow, but it is within these laws that the Heavens wait and love. And it is within My own decree that binds My hands in the wisdom to be the Father that I am. For in the wisdom of the law is the love written, and in this wisdom is the great love of salvation and exaltation, which man knoweth little. For even as ye receive this word it is My love made known that ye might know the heart of God. For ye thinketh that God has all power, but the greatest power comes when the bond is made between children and Parent. For even as I have created I am not parent until this very bond of a heart turns unto Me. For what doth it profit Me to have such a creation without the love returned? For what doth this entire creation for man profit Me if man doth not turn his heart willingly unto Me? For as ye wrote, My way is not the easy way. For My way is full of ills of the world that are put into place to grow and expand, to mature and strengthen. But man cannot see past the pain and his own personal plight to see the wisdom in all things. For even in this wisdom he cowers and hides from the road of strain and prefers the road of ease, because of the very nature of this world. For what would it profit thee to have no conflict in thy nature? What would it profit thee to have no turmoil of soul? For it is in these very struggles that man/woman/being defines who they are. Their strengths and weaknesses, their trails and woes, their joy and sorrows. For even as a man comes before Me it is in this that another level of his testing begins that he might know himself. That the love of heart might be revealed unto him, as it is known unto Me. For man thinketh that this wisdom is for Me, but in truth this learning in wisdom is for each of Mine creation. That each might know the wisdom of self. That each might know the love of God that makes all such wisdom possible, to know thyself and God. For what is there any gain unto Me if I am not part of this wisdom? For it is with a love returned that opens the door unto Me in this very wisdom.”
(An insertion for understanding …With the permission of the Heavens, I just let my cat out for some peace from her distracting meows to go outside. As I lead her to the door I reached down to pet her and she cowered as if I was going to grab her. I have learned, through my experience with her, that this is a reaction from her past of being feral.)
“For just as ye let thy cat out for peace and she was caught in her own fear of thy hand, caught in her past experience… so it is with man. Mine hand is reached forth but all of man is focused upon is the escape to freedom. For as she (my cat) was desirous of the door opened, she cowered from thy hand. So it is that man cowers from Me because of the constraints perceived. Oh if man could only know the love offered. The love waiting to be given in such an abundance that he/she could not contain, but he cowers because of the open door of freedom and ease. For he thinks that Mine hand is a constraining hand, but Mine hand offers all the love that this world and beyond contains. For I am the love of the world and he that turneth unto Me receives the wisdom of such. For even as ye question the love expressed unto thy companion of fur, and expressed unto Me, so it is that My love floweth. For even as ye feel Mine love and channel it forth, so it is returned. For this is the great love of God in one eternal round without beginning and without end. And in this is the wisdom of the eternities, even now as thy mind has glimpsed. For even in this is the wisdoms eternal that the Eternities might know love. For what mind of man can comprehend such things? For even as the mirror of projection is viewed, what can really be seen? For in such, is there not more than one can take in? For in this man struggles, which is the nature of God. For even in such Mine hand is extended and few step to receive, because of the very rush for freedom. For Mine hand offers far more than freedom. Mine hand offers creation. For in this is all eternity possible, but one cannot see.
Oh My beloved son, seek ye Me and in this ye shall find Me, even Mine hand. And in such finding ye will know the love of God… one eternal round. For in such is the nature of the Heavens, and in such is the rest of the soul that seeketh and is quenched. For in thy strivings for truth ye have found Me, and it is now to receive Mine hand. For it is love that rents the veil, and it is love that qualifies thee. Oh Mine children, come unto Me and be qualified that ye might know Me again, and receive Mine embrace which holds all that I have. Come, oh children come, for such is Mine love.”
April 7, 2018 Saturday (12:17 am)
I just called my cat to bed. She sauntered in and jumped up on my bed and tip toed across the blankets into her own bed. I laid with her and petted her belly before I knelt and offered my bedtime prayer. It was while I was petting her and she was kneading in a cat’s perfect bliss that I began expressing my love to The Father. While I was in this expression of love jolts began to shoot through me and I heard, “Write My son, and I will share the joy of the world.” As I begin to gather my pen and paper, I hear the raging spring storm outside my window and I am in gratitude as I lay in the comfort of my bed and home. I now begin to breathe to release my thoughts and attune with the Spirit to hear the words of promise…
“Yes, My son, it is in these very words of promise that I speak unto thee that ye might know the love of God, which is eternal joy. For as ye express thy love through thy cat, or angel of fur, ye receive the love that floweth forth from the Heavens freely. Which is channeled through thy heart unto thy cat, and in turn spoken forth unto Me. It is in this very purity of love that is the pure love of the Eternal, which is given unto all; and in this ye know the joy of God. For even as ye know this ye know Me. For even as ye know Me, ye knoweth My Father which is the very same as All Love Eternal. For what joy is there in this, that ye should receive the joy of God? That ye should receive the wisdom of knowing the purity of a love, in thy heart, that transcends the love of the world into a joy that is of the Heavens. For it is in this repeated love that ye begin to know the heart of God, the joy of God. For in this is the joy that man seeketh but cannot find, except in the heart. For it is in this pure state that the Heavens abide. And it is carried in all the citizens of Heaven that all might be carried forth unto the perfecting of man. For it is in this very service that is the joy or love of God made manifest. For all of this work of love is focused unto this very purpose that man might be purified and become a citizen of Heaven. For in this I have come into the flesh and received My crown that all might be made whole. For even as ye have kneeled before Me seeking The Father, ye kneeleth before Me that I might make ye worthy for the Father. For it is unto Me that The Father has given this work, that every man, woman and creation might be made worthy to receive his own state of joy. And it is in this that those that receive Me, and hold true unto the end, will be made worthy through Me then to receive The Father. And in this is the wisdom of love that all might not be lost. For even as a man knoweth not the solemnity of these things; he knoweth not the serious nature of this time of probation that he might know love. For if he truly knoweth love in his heart, then he is able to receive Me, which is the pure love of Christ. Which love is given freely that all might know the way unto goodness and light, which is the path back unto The Father of All Creation. For in this is the plan of love and the plan of joy. For even as ye know Me, ye know The Father; as I prepare thee to be presented unto Him. And in this, The Father and Glory of All, receives His treasure which is His greatest joy, a child returned.
Oh My son, Oh the world of man, hear Me and receive Me! Hear Me and turn thy hearts unto Me that I might know thee and receive thee for this very purpose. For even as I was the spotless Lamb made perfect, so it is that ye might be made spotless also through Me. And in this we become united in purpose that ye might know this very love, which is the pure joy of The Father, which is in Me.
Oh My son, ye receive Me in thy heart, and yet ye still hide from Me. Remember to give thy all and in so doing ye shall receive My all. And in this We become a partnership of success and begin the work of glory, which is eternal. Receive Me and in so doing ye will be received by The Father unto the eternal state of joy. A joy that man knoweth not, but is the reward of a heart given in love.”
April 10, 2018 Tuesday (7:05 am)
I have been laying on my bed this morning offering my heart and soul to the Heavens in a pure state of love. My mind and body being expanded with a love flowing through me. I am beginning to understand one aspect, when the Lord speaks of ‘one eternal round.’ The love that is flowing from the Heavens is channeled through my heart and then radiating back to the Heavens and The Father. As I hold the low rounded tee shirt of my garments open, exposing my upper chest where my physical heart resides and openly offering to Him my all. In such desire and faith comes the knowing that I am nothing without the healing touch of Christ to prepare me, to heal me. To heal me of all that keeps me separate from a purified state, to receive Him and The Father. And in this comes my great desire to completely serve Him through a changed state that would allow me to work as others of the past. Others who have been changed, a release of the physical as we know it, and made pure. Not to be governed by the laws and weaknesses of the flesh, but to hold a purified state of holiness that could allow me to serve completely. To be free of the physical cares of work and the body, to be freed to a state of physical freedom. A freedom to be able to submit to every command, to witness, administer, and channel God’s radiant love. As I ponder in this state of desire I can see that my greatest weakness would be the desire to save all from personal pain. My only solace is the thought that with Christ’s healing touch might come the wisdom of the Heavens, of enduring the pain of teaching.
My writing this is likened to a prayer of desire. Capturing this great flow of love into words, like a prayer offered up unto the Heavens. As I ask myself, “What stops me, and what binds me to the physical? What was the release for the ‘brother of Jared’? How much faith is required to part the Heavens to reveal? How much more does it take to be transformed as John of the new Testament, or the three Nephites of the Book of Mormon, and others?” And perhaps the answer is in complete submission, to be willing to remain in the natural state and in a willingness to serve where I stand.
“Oh Father, hear my prayer of desire! I know that through the holy touch of thy Son that all is made possible. Show me thy hand that I might continue to know Thy arm and Thy heart. That I might follow Thee completely. How can I not be changed in such a love and desire! Jesus, My Lord and Master, lead me that I might know Thee and serve Thee.” So for now, I release my pleading mind of desire unto a heart that is full and cannot hold more, but must channel outward this great eternal love.
“Oh My son, it is through such a love that the Heavens are opened unto thee, that ye might know the will and love of thy Father which is in Heaven. Hewn thy obedience and follow My command that ye might be made ready to receive all that the Heavens hold for thee. Serve as ye stand, and in time, ye shall run and fly with such desire that the Heavens will not be able to keep thee bound. And in this great love ye will join Me as I am, and know Me as I am. And as ye are made perfect in Me, it is then that ye will be made perfect in The Father. And glory will beget glory and the son of great worth will return unto The Father, in opens arms ready to receive. For was not teaching of this, as I ministered unto the multitudes, and did I not speak of such a reunion? For The Father patiently awaits Mine hand upon thee to ready thee, for the return of all His treasure. And in this great wisdom is thy yearning of such a divine love. Blessed art thou to stretch thy wings of desire. Soon, My son soon, be patient and know that ye are Mine; and with this love that I am in thee and ye shall not fail. Convert thyself continually in the ways of righteousness and ye will make thyself ready for the command of the keys of this very desire. Obey My son, and ye will receive the very will of the heart, united in cause of the Heavens. Blessed is such a great love.”
April 12, 2018 Thursday (11:06 am)
Soon I have to go into work because of our heavy workload, but I gave myself a few extra hours this morning to rest and take care of a few errands. This morning I found myself waking in a hunger to read the scriptures. I have begun to read the Book of Mormon again, in the counsel of our passed Prophet, President Monson. I am in the beginning chapters of I Nephi, and I am humbled because of seeing myself in all the players of these early pages of the scripture. I can see my rebellious sides that want to murmur and just desire a life of ease. I can see myself in Lehi being a seer, and in Nephi growing into my own strength and desire to keep the commandments and counsels of the Lord. I am humbled as I see their own plight and journey and the patience of the Heavens in working with them. I value as I read of the wisdoms of the Heavens as the Lord allows hardships to be their teacher. Also I ponder my own recent past hardships that has brought to me through the treacherous waters of the river in Lehi’s dream. My grasping again the rod of iron, the word of God, sometimes with one hand and sometimes with two, and now walking hand over hand as I slowly move along as I learn to trust the will and timing of my Lord. Throughout this time this morning, I have felt a sense of being overcome and the Spirit being upon Me. I wasn’t sure if I was suppose to ‘write’ or if there was something else I was suppose to do. And just maybe this state of the Spirit is a witness of the hand over hand of moving toward the brightness of the sacred tree in Lehi and Nephi’s dream, the tree that holds the fruit, which is the love of God. As I ponder these things my heart is in a quiet fullness. I feel a great desire to serve, I feel Him and yet this all comes in a quiet surety. Whatever this is I see it as a blessing, and a welcomed feeling in contrast to my struggle over the past couple of months.
As I continue to ponder, my thoughts are turned towards a realization of a change within me. This change is a result from deeply taking into my heart that Christ is the complete answer. Over the years of my life I have thought that I had to do the work to ‘fix’ myself. Thinking that it was upon me to heal myself, to make myself right, to be worthy of Him and the Heavens, or The Father. But through all of this recent struggle I am beginning to realize, that I am perfect yet broken. Perfect in my divine nature, as a child of the Most High, and yet with all of my efforts there is nothing I can do to complete myself. My perfection is in Him and only through Him. He (being the holy oneness of Christ and The Father) is the healer of my soul, of our souls. It is enough to allow my brokenness to be ok. Not to be misunderstood, I never want to give in or add upon my broken state, but to also not be in a perpetual fight with it either. To allow myself to simply move into a sacred acceptance of who I am, where I am, and where I am headed. And as I am in this freedom of awareness, learning to trust His lead, even when it looks like there is no hope for change. For truly all change comes through our hope in Him. Perhaps, this is still the breaking of my maverick by the Master. This all feels like more lessons of my release unto Him and more lessons of my complete trust in Him.
Oh, I pray for the faith of Nephi! A faith to allow the Lord His will. Even as Nephi, who lay bound by his rebellious brothers as the ship was tossed about in turbulent and perilous waters. May I have the faith, of so many in the scriptures, to trust the Lord even when it looks like it isn’t working out to my favor. As I ponder, what comes into my mind is witness after witness of all things working out for the goodness of the Lord’s purposes, His purposes, which leads to the goodness of even the one suffering. “Oh Lord, may this lesson be ever etched upon my heart, for when this tide of stillness changes that it might be brought back into my remembrance. May my faith burn bright and see Thy hand in all things, even as it has of those that have passed before me. Oh Lord, give me Thy grace to see, Thy endurance to be, and Thy wisdom to know all wholeness in divine brokenness.”
April 25, 2018
Taking a deep breath as I marvel in gratitude of a view that is a reward from the work and struggle of perseverance and continued endurance. From this metaphoric vista, a plateau that gives some relief from the arduous climb, I can see with clarity that only comes in a gifting. From this higher perspective I can see clearly the hand of God that has been my guide. He has allowed my descent upon this path to only ascend with new determination to follow His hand. In this moment of clarity I can see His wisdom and love, a freedom cherished above all, that is extended unto every creation. And in this freedom can be viewed the many images of Lehi’s vision (I Nephi Chapter 8 of the Book of Mormon). The same images such as of the vast field or world, which offers us an expression of that freedom. And from this view I can see the mists of the vision that lay in the lower places that rise up to conceal the clear path of the rod of iron or the word of God. These very mists that are crafted by the adversary to confuse and lead astray all that seek the path of the Lord. As I can see there are many paths of this freedom, some just wandering, some leading to the path of the iron rod and others to a spacious building. This spacious building, which is a representation of the world’s pride, greed and vanity and a continuation of our precious choice of freedom.
And it is from this view that I can see the Tree of the Lord, which bares the precious fruit of His love, to which the rod of iron leads. And from my view this sacred tree is rooted at the foot of His holy mountain. This mountain, which is His footstool on the physical plain that is so often spoken of in the scriptures. The ‘Mount of the Lord’ that was the journey, of a few in which we read about in our sacred texts. The journey of Enoch and Moses of the Old Testament, of Nephi and the Brother of Jared in the Book of Mormon, and the numerous spiritual references of this mountian spoken of by Isaiah in the Old Testament, and Joseph Smith in his sacred revelations recorded in the Doctrine and Covenants. I am beginning to understand that all that desire Him and desire His presence must journey the path to Him upon His holy mount.
In Lehi’s dream or vision, the tree is the focus of great effort and in its achievement is the reward of the fruit, which is very desirous and sweet to the taste, a representation of the Lord’s great love. From this heightened view I can see the wisdom of that sacred tree’s placement at the foot of the mountain. The wisdom being that one will need the nourishment and strength of His love for the ascent of the mount. In climbing, I didn’t take notice of the rising elevation because it was gradual and my focus was more on staying hold of the rod of iron that continued beyond the tree. Hand over hand, my hands gripped the rod as it remained straight on the twisting, turning, and undulating path. No more were there varied paths to follow but the few that made the ascent upward. Step upon step, came continued challenges as if trial upon trial. Perhaps in these trials the Lord was saying, “Will you still come unto Me?”
This small plateau of safety which I am now on, offers a view over the scene below and my attention is returned again to the expansive field, the mists, and river of filth that entrap so many. And yes, the spacious building of the vain and proud, which at times I had residence. From this view I can see a life past in which I narrowly escaped the building of pride and the world, not to say that I am completely above some its reach into a modern life, but I am free enough. I can see from this vista the point at which I grabbed hold with both hands to the rod that gave me a taste of the fruit to eventually bless me to feast upon His love, which sealed me to Him, my Lord, Jesus Christ.
I am gifted with this brief rest from my journey and I take some solace, as I can look out from this vantage point and see the mists that even cling to the base of this mountain. These same mists that at times even obscure the gospel path with its rod of iron in the vast field, the same path that now extends beyond the sacred tree to this very mountain. This very path that I have journeyed as it clung to and wrapped around the mountain’s side. The worn path that still has the rod upon it, which one must hold tight as at times the shell rock of the mountain’s erosion becomes a deterrent to a grounded footing. And in holding tight the rod, it gives comfort when the sheer cliff path narrows, and gives a sight when the path descends into deep chasms of darkness as it twists and turns ever onward up the mountain.
It is from one of these dark chasms that I just emerged to take this gifted and needed rest. Also gifted is this view from which I can see more clearly my journey, my purifying journey to Him. From this vantage I can see the path and rod descend so deep that it disappears into a chasm of darkness to only appear again on the other side leading to this now place of rest. As I remember back into that darkness, I remember the weeks of depression in the journey, the whispers of no hope, and my crying out to the Lord for a rescue. And it was in that lowest dip of the path, near my breaking point, with one hand holding the rod and the other hand searching the darkness as a blind man, that I grasped the prize in my blindness, the emotions of my brokenness.
As I now sit here in the comfort of my rest and feel my heart full with this new piece of personal truth. The world would not understand the comfort in being broken, but my heart relishes in the words of ‘divine brokenness’ because it gives me hope and a purpose of this journey. A life journey that has carried so much pain and the scares of being wounded, and through this recent journey into darkness is my prize, my complete submission unto Him, my Savior. For in this knowledge and emotion of new truth is the awareness of my missing piece that I am not whole and would never be. For He is the missing piece, even the missing piece of oneness. He is the great I Am. As I mentioned in earlier writings, I thought I had to heal myself, perfect myself, do something to make myself whole and worthy, but with this new truth I am aware of there is nothing I can do to complete myself but it is only through my complete submission to my Redeemer that I can be whole. For the past couple of years I have been praying to be one in Him and the Father, and I can see clearly this is the answer to those prayers. That He, as we know Him here as Jesus Christ, is the piece of completion. And it is only in and through Him that we can achieve our return and oneness again with The Father, our Father. As I speak this truth and cherish the prize of darkness I am full of gratitude for a wise Heaven that allows the decent into the very pain that we resist and a Heaven that holds the wisdom of not aiding in a premature rescue.
“Oh Lord, give me the strength to journey on! Let me find nourishment in thy love, the sweetness of the fruit. Grant me thy Holy Spirit, the rod and Thy word that I might know my way. Thy way, unto Thee!
As I look forward, the path is obscured to my view and I wonder what it will hold. I wonder how much further? Will this continued journey be counted in feet or miles? What will be my next prize of truth, my next test of faith? I have no answer to these and many other varied questions, but I do know that He is my journey, and my reward. And I journey onward because of the sweetness of His love.
And I hear Him ask, “Will you live for Me?”
May 1, 2018 Wednesday (6:36 am)
In waking, I have been petting my cat as she is in her kneading bliss. As I have focused some attention on her, my main focus has been in offering my heart up to the Heavens. With as much intensity that she is exhibiting in kneading the blanket, I have matched in my own intensity in my offering. I have so much outpouring energy rising up through me. As I am in this heightened state I have an inkling to write, which is quickly followed in hearing, “Speak, I would speak unto thee.” In hearing those words came my usual pre-writing anxiousness of wondering about the flow and the topic. I am now breathing for a quiet mind and the Spirit …
“Oh glory be to God, the Heaven of righteousness. For even as ye hear these words ye know the will and desire of all citizens of glory, that Heaven and earth be soon united in one eternal praise. That man might know again the truth of Heaven as it flows forth like the air that ye breathe. Oh Heaven of man, rejoice in this that ye might know the only true God of glory. For man’s ways have fallen into unbelief, and corruption abounds. But even as the past is made present, man knoweth not the great glory that waits to befall the earth of man. And in this every heart will know that which has been truth from the beginning of times. That God is Father and reigns in glory and love, and it is in this very truth that every knee shall bow in a knowingness of eternal truth. For Heaven rejoices in the praise of His glory, and Heaven awaits the call of victory. For even as man slumbereth in unrighteousness the glory of God prepares in patience. For the hour is near as man knoweth not the will and mind of God, that sees a world ripe and ready. For His judgments are final and His righteousness set, and in both truths shall man know the truth of his works. For even as man remembereth not, God remembereth all truth and in this is every creatation brought into its rightly order. For such is the glory and love of God.
Oh world of man, prepare ye, prepare ye for the hearts are ripe and ready for the harvest of the Holy One of Israel. Ye knoweth not the hour of His coming, but the day is here and all Heaven rejoices in such a glory. Behold the trumps of Jerusalem sound and the way prepared. The palms are laid once more for the entrance of the Glory of Man, Prince of Peace, and the Glory that reigns on the right hand of God. For eternal is the glory of He who is God of all creation. Oh world of man, ye know not such a glory but Heaven knoweth the praise of the Lord.
Sing, oh sing Israel, His name and the sword of righteousness will go before thee and all who come up against thee shall not prosper. But fail as the vine in a desert of unrighteousness/filth. For what cometh before the hand of God to do ye harm, cometh unto a fate of its own. For even as it has been written, the covenants of promise shall be fulfilled in all righteousness, for the hand of the Lord is extended, and all must obey. For earth will hear and receive her King; her bowels will rejoice in her praise and glory. And righteousness shall be her garment. Oh praise ye all creation, for she has run her course, and glory shall be her reward. Oh glory of her bowels, receive her reward. For she will shine and be one in the righteousness of her Lord. Sing forth ye Heavens of glory for the earth soon rejoices with thee. Oh awaken ye sons and daughters of Israel, for the Master of Salvations cometh in eternal glory and the world knoweth not. For bold is His word that stretcheth across the land, and mighty His command that runneth deep. For the waters shall know His voice and the dusts of creation take their form as His word ruleth. For even as the world slumbers the Heavens prepare.
Oh ye that fighteth against the Lamb, today is your glory, but tomorrow will be your darkness. Ye fight in vain. For Glory of All Creation cometh, and in this ye are bound. Oh ye that have an ear to hear and a heart to know, know and hear the call of His voice that calleth out to gather, come forth unto His arm that is extended to all. For under His arm will be the protections of righteousness. For the heart will be comforted in His word, and the cry’s of torment softened in His love. For what cometh man has never seen, but the word is set and the trumpets soon sound, that are the sounding of command. And in these all obey, and in these are the glories of promise that have been written. For God keepeth all His covenants unto man, and in this is His glory and promise. For prepare ye that can remember the covenants of the Lord, for all will be fulfilled in righteousness. Oh world of man, ye sleepeth and knoweth not the glory soon upon thee. Harken unto this voice of warning. Prepare ye, prepare ye Jerusalem for His coming!
Oh sons and daughters of righteousness, that know these words of truth, run unto thy temples of righteousness, abound in them for they hold your salvation and comfort. For even as the day is here, know ye the voice of Him that guides thee and in this ye shall know peace. For the Heavens wait to comfort thee and give thee hope as the world knoweth the pain of her creation. For the world of man maketh merry and war as the earth prepares to hear His command. For those that can hear are ready, and those that know have their swords of righteousness in hand. For the battle of wills is upon thee and in this will be the cry’s of Heaven, and in this will be the comfort of Heaven. Oh ye sons and daughters of Israel, ye are of the covenant and blessings promised. Glory be unto the Lord of Lords, the King of Kings, and unto the glory of all righteousness. Behold the time has come, and those that sleepeth shall miss the glory of Him. Awake, oh Israel and know the glory that is Him!
Oh ye, son of My heart, know these things that ye might have a heart prepared. Cry out in a wilderness that cannot hear. But the Lord of Heaven knows thee and can hear thee, and all who cry forth His word.”
Oh Lord, give me strength for I am weak and afraid of a world that will call me crazy, and Thy people are complacent and don’t look kindly unless Thy word comes from percieved lines of authority and Salt Lake. Oh Lord, give me courage and sanctify me that I might have Thy Spirit to bare witness. That all, that hear, will know Thy truth. Oh Father, sure me up and guide me in a surety of Thy ways. Oh Father, I humbly ask, “Bless me.”