Sometimes the storms of life are a blessing from the Heavens. Some of my favorite memories are walking in storms. I remember in my past being bundled up and feeling the warmth of my body as my exposed face was feeling the cold of a storm. Whether it be a stormy beach with waves crashing, the bitter cold of driving snow hitting my face, or hearing the first drops of rain that turn into a down pour of a summer storm, all of these memories bring a sense of awe and respect. An awe of their beauty, as earth and nature show their majesty and power that drives us to seek shelter and warmth. In this seeking relief and comfort is the duel realization of our insignificance that points to a larger view of the world and our place in it. And at the same time a significance of our place in the world and our experience of it. This is my awe of late as I attempt to relate to you the beauty, majesty and power of the storms of Heaven that have given me so much joy, and at the same time have driven me to seek comfort from their power and life changing force. It is in the quiet of the aftermath of the storm that allows one to leave the shelter of comfort to assess the changes of a fury’s power, and so it is in my life.
I often, metaphorically, step out from my shelter and see the storm clouds part, and the sun bursting through that speaks of hope and consistency. A consistency of the Spirit which has been a part of my life since I have turned my life over to our Lord, Jesus Christ. And now as I stand in the shining light and witness the aftermath of these recent storms of Heaven, that have blown through my life I can see the changes to my internal and external landscape. It’s been over the last several months that have brought about so much change. In fact, it has felt like the Lord has sent storms and winds of fury that has sent me running for cover. The changes, of late, have been the most severe and drastic that my life has ever sustained, that of being Married!
Yes, marriage! Just as you are trying to add the numerals of this equation to find their sum, so did I. Believe me, this too has taken me by such surprise that I am still trying to find my equilibrium. Now knowing this huge piece of information, I am hoping that you can now understand and forgive me for my silence over the last several months. In this silence of the blog it hasn’t been a reflection that the Heavens have been silent in sending the writings, but that They have chosen to communicate more through experience upon experience than through the usual form of a writing. It seems that as I have turned my attention to my new wife the usual writings have slowed but my witness of the interaction of Heaven and myself have not only changed form but have increased in nature.
After so many months it would be impossible to try to recount all of these experiences of Heaven bending so near. And as I reflect, I can hardly remember myself the layered experiences of how one experience led into another. But I can bear my witness that the Heavens are very much real and involved in our lives. An involvement that has not only changed my personal landscape, but has changed who I am. Like in the scriptures, of so many who have gone before, that have spoken of a mighty change, so it is with me. As one summits completely to the Lord, He has a way of bringing storm upon storm. Storms of change, crashing into your life that blow with such force you are not sure you will survive. Some storms seem like it would be easier to let go into their peril and pray for the ease of an afterlife rather than enduring the exhaustion of clinging while waiting for hope. But in all of the clinging and enduring I have learned of my own strength and desire to be all that the Heavens want me to be. And in these life changing storms I can see in their aftermath the wisdom of a Heaven. A Heaven that can see beyond the hardship of enduring each life-changing storm and can see the blessings of growth that come through Their winds of sanctification.
Perhaps here I can try to recount the storm of change that took me by surprise and brought my wife into my life
|My life journey continues to unfold in ways that I could not even imagine! Six years ago, I was instructed by the Heavens to return to The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. Which has blessed my life in ways that I could not foresee, and now I have been asked to trust again. This trust requires even a greater leap of faith… that of getting married! If you have been following this blog, you know by now that this has been an amazing journey that has been and continues to be completely orchestrated by the Heavens, coupled with my willingness to follow. As I have trusted and taken this leap of faith, by getting married, I have been blessed with a love that resounds on every level and in every way! The Heavens and Their miracles continue to show up in my life!
It was sometime in the middle of last summer that I ran into a friend of my niece. This friend, I have heard her name throughout the years and was often told by my niece that I needed to meet her because we had some of the same interests in emergency preparedness. So, the Heavens brought us together over a aisle of flowers at the local floral wholesaler, as I heard her say to the working help, “I will take whatever he is buying!” referring to the bunches of flowers that I just laid out on the sales counter. It was from that moment that my niece’s best friend growing up became my friend and has become one of my greatest believers and supporters of the blog, and my life mission. After a summer of spiritual conversations over scheduled lunches this new friend invited me over for dinner with her husband, children and some extended family (And yes, my now wife, was one of those extended members of the family). Little did I know that the Lord had a plan for me that would blow through my life like a storm that would rearrange my mental, emotional, and physical landscape.
As I met J., my wife, I was attracted to her commitment to the Lord and her own spiritual gifts which became apparent as we conversed and compared notes of events of things to come. What I also didn’t know that on the drive over to her cousin’s house (My new friend, the friend of my niece) for dinner she had a prompting from the Holy Spirit, “He is the one.” And as she asked for further clarification heard, “He is the one for you.” So here we sit over dinner and as we continue our conversation, she realizes that we knew each other from our young adult years of our late teens. With this begins her test of faith as she had heard of my gay past and was beginning to see how the equation wasn’t adding up. And at the same time, I was asking myself, “Do I knew her?” because I could see something familiar in her eyes. So, I caulked it up as a nice evening of meeting new people and that was that. It was over a few weeks that J. reached out to me mostly over the phone as she was seeking some advice in some of her family hardships. It was early in these conversations that she confided who she was and that we knew each other from our early young adult years, and I was able to place those familiar eyes.
It was over a course of several weeks of phone conversations and a few visits that our rekindled friendship started to take root. I knew that I valued her as a new friend but was oblivious to the intentions of the Heavens. It wasn’t until several more weeks went by that I received a phone call from her where she stated that she needed to come over to talk. We set a time, and as she walked through my front door for our visit, I could feel her nervousness. It was as she nervously tried to find her words and I patiently waited that I heard for the first time the intention of the Heavens. She later confided in me that she was expecting to me to end the friendship that night. I patiently heard her through as she shared the messages that she had been receiving from her own inspirations of the Holy Spirit, inspirations that came in the way she knew and trusted of the Heavens. It was as she was done sharing her received guidance, that I decided that I had better make things very clear, that I identified as gay. In which she informed me that she was well aware and that she wanted to be clear that she was just relating the experiences that she was being given. With that said, we ended the evening with my telling her that I appreciated her sharing her truth, but it wasn’t my truth and that I would need to pray about it to get my own answers. As we ended the evening, I thanked her for her courage to share that which she had been given, and that we would talk soon.
Well, the Lord wasted no time with giving me a confirmation to my asking for an answer. It was the very next morning as I was in my car just starting to pull out of the driveway that I stopped and felt the energy of truth charging up with a jolt to my body as I flooded with emotion and heard, “She is speaking the truth.” As I accepted this answer, I also knew that I would need more…maybe even two or three! As I was asking for more evidence that this was the way the Heavens wanted me to move, I was trying to stay open as I was also being overwhelmed with fear. It was only a few days later that J. came over to the house and as she came in I could feel some agitation. After we greeted each other we ended up sitting on the floor in the hallway, leading to my living room, because we were both enamored by my cat who was wanting my attention. As I petted my cat she relayed her day and how she received more messages from the Heavens as more confirmation that this was right. I was feeling a little left out of the loop with my one confirmation. As we talked and shared at one point in the conversation as she was relaying her spiritual experience of earlier in the day I started to feel my body charge up with energy. The kind of intense energy when I can feel myself in the presence of Spirit. As I could not contain the energy any longer and my body started to jolt with its charge and release. With the intensity of the energy making my body react I became very aware that it wasn’t only the Spirit but Christ Himself that we were in His presence. It was then that I announced to J. , “He is here!” We were both in awe, as she witnessed through me the witness of our Lord and Savior who had personally come to make His witness to me known as I received my second witness of the new direction that my life would take.
It was with these two witnesses that I began to feel the winds of change. The winds that announce the coming storm, as one can witness the trees beginning to move and the sky begins to darken. And so it was with me, I could feel the storm about to hit, but little did I know the changes that soon lay ahead. It was upon another visit by J. that I received my third confirmation that would change my life course. Again, as we were talking and sharing I felt the need to be honest and real with how I was feeling. I mustered up some courage to share as softly as I could searching for the right words… “I love you, but I am not in love with you.” What was I supposed to do with the way I felt and what was she now supposed to do with my honesty. She was sitting on the chase in my living room and I on the floor near her. It was in the silence that followed that I began to feel the emotion of a life of struggle and hardship. My life had finally began to feel at a manageable place. I had an incredible relationship with the Heavens and I was in more ease than I had ever experienced my life. And it was in those feelings that I said, “My life has had so much struggle, I don’t want to create more.” As I laid back on the floor and could feel the tears roll down over the temples of my face and collect in my ears. It seemed like by instinct that I began to breathe. Breathing deep breathes into the pain of the past and the pain of the moment and wanting to be free from both. As I continued to breathe my instinctual breath, I could once more feel my body charge up with energy and I was silent but again felt the presence of Christ. And it was in His presence that my body started to jolt, with an intensity that ran the length of my body. My body was vibrating with change. J. described it later, saying that my face glowed as His countenance was upon me. It was during this time that I could feel a joy fill my body and a love fill my soul as I exclaimed with my audible voice to J., “I love you!” A joy and elation was exuding from me as I received my third witness. A witness that I could not doubt. A witness that changed my life once more as I followed my Lord into unchartered territory.
J. and I quickly moved forward with our witnesses and new love, and we eloped to the LDS Temple to be sealed for all eternity. It was a joyous occasion of only my living father, her living mother, my new friend and her husband (that re-introduced us) )n physical attendance.. I could feel many, many others there of the Heavenly realm, which was confirmed by one of the temple attendants that sat in the room as she said, “The room was full!”
And so, I come out from the shelter and survey the changes that Heavenly storm after storm bring to us. And in all of the changes is the clear witness that the elements still know His name.
August 6, 2019 Tuesday (6:00 am)
I woke up to my cat jumping over my sleeping body, and then bounding off the bed and scampering down the hall into the living room to great her new day. I could tell that it was still early because of the dim light coming through the shut window blinds, as I still laid in bed trying to get my bearings, as I come back into consciousness again. As I was trying to remember a dream that was now shrouded in fog, I thought back to last night before sleep and an impression that I had to write but I avoided it and decided to not take action because of doubt. It seems like writings these days are more of a rarity, but as I woke this more, I had another thought, or impression, to write. So, with that in mind I walked down the hall to the living room to let the cat out to avoid being disturbed in a few minutes by meows to be let out, and while I was up I grabbed a pen and paper to act upon my impression. As I am writing this preface, I am thinking of a patient Heavens that is waiting… or at least I hope for one. I am praying for the Spirit and an open mind as I feel a wave of anxiety mixed with trust move through me. I am hoping that the metaphorical well is not dry! Taking a breath into trust as I wait the flow…
“Oh, My beloved son, whom has endured and is open to the words of the Heavens again. Oh, ye of lacking faith, whom questions a loving Heaven. Know ye not that I still abide? Know ye not that ye are still worthy, even in thy weakness? For ye know not the workings of Heaven and hell on thy behalf. And yet know not the struggle of wills that work for thy good and thy bad. Yet, ye still come before Me in humbleness of spirit, which is the way of a saint of the Most High. Know ye this, My son, that ye have endured the buffetings of all the evil one has set upon thee and ye have had legions beseeching thee and pulling thee unto darkness. But know also that the weight of balance is given thee, and the Heavens also beseech thee in love and patience as ye struggle in this war of wills.
Oh, My son, ye know not the world of the unseen that wages war over one soul. Ye know not the efforts given unto the one to overcome the darkness of he who fights against Me. Yet ye do know the struggle of mind and spirit as ye struggle in thy marriage. Ye know the pain of an aching heart that is separate from Me, that desires Me; only to be left in the struggle of mind and spirit. But know ye this, that ye are not alone in this struggle. That a host of Heaven is with thee waiting in patience to assist thee and thy beloved. And ye wonder why there is so much pain and opposition, and I say unto thee, ‘Worth. The worth of a soul is great unto the Father. The worth of a son/daughter is worth the treasure house of effort that attends thee in love and light.’ And yet mankind is blind to this very effort. And thy thinking asks, ‘Why?’ Why allowing thyself and thy beloved to be steeped in so much struggle, so much discord and pain? And I say unto thee, ‘ Because of thy very worth.’ Ye want to be rescued from thy struggles. And I ask, ‘Would ye then learn and know thy worth?’ And I say unto thee, ‘That ye would only know loving arms that would and do hold thee, but ye would not learn and know thy strength.’ For what would happen if the loving parent protected the learning infant from the fall of learning to walk? The infant would be forever be crawling when instinctually the infant desires to walk. Think ye any different? The son/daughter of the Most High desires the fullness of experience of a world where he/she to find balance, in a world that struggles in the trials of opposition. For ye know not the fullness of pain and joy until ye experience this world created and provided for this very school of learning. Remember ye not, the council of Father before ye were? Remember ye not, the trials of pain and joy for thy learning? Remember ye not, the willingness and joy as ye said, ‘Yes.’? Oh, Mine beloveds know ye this, that thy struggle is thy joy! For ye get lost in the efforts of avoiding thy struggles but I say, ‘Rejoice in them and continue on even as the infant learning to walk. And as ye continue on ye will learn compassion not only for others around you, but also thyself. For as ye stay attuned to an open heart and open Heaven ye will learn the lessons of love and compassion. For as ye cling to the teachings of gospel principles, ye cling to My law and will for thee.
Oh, My beloved son, sing the praises of joy in thy afflictions and ye stay attuned unto Me, thy Savior and Redeemer that suffered all for all. And as ye stay attuned unto Me, I will lift thee and help thee even in thy weakness. Even as the loving parent lifts the child of learning in his/her struggles to walk. Refresh thyself in the joys of Heaven and know that ye are not alone. Learn patience and long suffering. Learn love and compassion. Learn repentance and forgiveness. And as ye learn these ye become the son and warrior that ye have always been. Know ye not Mine love, oh brother of the morning? Know ye not Mine compassion, saint of Mine gospel? Know ye not Mine arms, son of the Father? Oh, Mine beloved, know this that ye are not alone in thy sufferings and as ye continue to turn thy face to the light, and unto Me, ye will know joy. Struggle on in thy fight, My son, and know the pains and joys of a world collapsing to be reborn again. For the collapsing is the process of becoming; for the collapsing world upon false truths will be ripe for cleansing in all truth.
September 29, 2019 Sunday (12:21 pm)
I just got off my knees from my prayers to the Lord, asking His forgiveness. Forgiveness from my earlier hearing to write, and not ignoring, but needing to put aside that thought to take care of other matters that came up and not following my original impression. As I was just now asking His forgiveness, I heard, “I know thy heart and thy asking is not needed.” And with it were impressions and understandings that flowed into my mind. These understandings were that the timing of the Heavens is different than the timing of man. That as I put aside the timing to write and that moment being past, that it is still the moment for Him. Even as I had to wait a couple of hours He was still in that moment ready for me to join Him in the original time frame. A concept that I understand and yet it feels just beyond my reach or grasp. I was also told, “ Not to fear or question.” because He knows the intentions of my heart.
So, here I am in that later time and wondering about the impression to write that is more rare these days. The “Not to question” was because I questioned and doubted. Thinking that it might be a self-generated impression to write. So, being told not to question, I am choosing to trust. To open my heart and mind, and trust that His words will flow. Breathing for the Spirit and the flow of words to flood my mind…
“Oh, My son, focus upon Me and receive Me. And as ye do I will reveal Myself unto thee inch by inch, moment by moment until ye can receive Me fully, and in that receiving ye shall know Me as I am. Oh, Mine beloved son of the morning, whom already knows Mine heart, as I know thine. Ye whom continually returns to Me, to seek the taste of Mine sweet, living water. Ye that partakes of Me and continues to endure the pressure of the wine press that ye might be cured into the wine that is sweet upon Mine lips. That ye might be made pure and sanctified, that ye might fully come unto Me in all righteousness. Oh, ye Mine children, I call ye forth to raise up thy hearts unto Me that ye might be made pure and dwell in Me. That ye might be made pure through Mine holy blood, which was offered up unto The Father to be made ransom for thee. To pay the price of sin that ye might be raised up pure and made delightsome unto Me, and made pure to present unto The Father. At such time, that all the Heavens will rejoice and the tears of Heaven will flow as rain. As the joy resounds in shouts of praise and those that have endured will receive.
Oh, ye that are weak, humble thyselves and shake off the pride of shackling that ye might receive that which is do thee. Oh ye, that ye have held Me the blame of suffering, know ye not the love of Heaven? Know ye not the counsels of perfection that were held even for thee? Know ye not Mine heart that has wept for thee? Know ye not Mine pores that have bleed for thee? Know ye not Mine hand that has always been for thee? Oh, Mine beloveds that question Mine love, ye know Me not. And it is in this that Mine heart weeps in thy pain, for ye are lost and yet cannot see. Ye see not the angels of Heaven that hold thee in their attention. Ye see not the joys that await if ye harden not thy hearts and hold Me in contempt. For ye say, ‘Where art Thou?’ And I say, ‘I am here.’ For ye understand not the law that holds and stays Mine hand that ye might know and prove thyself. Oh, Mine beautiful children of peace, that receive Me, ye shall know that which cannot be seen or understood by man yet. But ye shall know the joys of choosing Me.
Oh, ye that are weak and feel trodden under the burden of life, endure it well with an eye unto Me, and ye shall receive the joys that give thee peace. Know ye Me and ye shall receive All That Is and ye shall glory in such wisdom. Oh, Mine children that cannot hold such vision… trust in Me. Cling unto Me as a child unto the bosom of a parent and ye shall not be made unworthy. For even as ye feel weak, ye shall know thy strength. Cling, Oh children, cling and know Me even as I am.
Oh, blessed son, I am with thee even as ye pass through such trials of pain. For thy pain shall be made thy joy. And as ye continue to choose Me in thy weakness, ye shall receive and be made strong. Therefore, give not up thy hope as ye suffer but cling unto Me, as all Mine children, and ye shall be made pure. For Mine heart begs for a world that cannot see or know. And yet soon will cease Mine call to , ‘Come unto Me.’ And in that Mine heart will shift unto justice, and the glories will be behind Me, as I show Mine face and the judgement of wickedness will fall upon the Earth, and all shall receive their reward. For in this will all know that I am and know the joy and pain of judgement. Oh, ye that will know Me now will raise up and behold the mercy and joys of Heaven. And know Me even as I am… Creator, God, and King. Son of the Most High Father and Judge unto all. Be ye Mine that I might groom thee and justify thee to be presented unto whom ye know as The Father. For in this ye shall be welcomed into the holy order of He whom we all love and serve, God The Eternal.
Oh, Mine children, know ye this and ye shall be made rulers and kings. And that which ye desire shall be made yours. For in all righteousness are the wisdoms dispersed unto him that is made worthy. Receive and know that ye are Mine, and will make thee that which ye are not. Oh Mine son, oh Mine children, come unto Me and endure all things that I might raise thee up. Endure well and know that ye are loved.”