As I looked back the energy was streaming from me as I stepped from the brilliance of the light and into my new journey; now my primary focus was straight ahead, my mid-twenties body slumped and lifeless in the car. I was intently focused and compelled to return to my body as I passed my deceased grandmother as she gazed in love.
It seemed like only minutes ago that I passed her as she greeted me, I stepped out of the living world and was pulled, of a force not of my own, towards the light. My grandmother that I grew up with living in our home throughout all of my youth, the Grandmother that I tormented, as kids might do in mischievousness, in my own frustration of life. And now as I see her as she greets me only in love and I feel of a mutual forgiveness of our experience together. She looks mature, but not old, as when she passed away. And it is in love that I now pass her and stand before the opening of light. As I stepped into the brilliance, it seemed like I was immediately greeted by a mature bearded man, he exuded love and wisdom. It was then that we stepped into each other and we merged as one. In this oneness I was being taught and instructed; of the details it has always been a mystery, but the feeling was like I was being programmed. It was after the instructions that we seperated, and I stepped from him and the light. I streaming energy, with the only thought and focus, to return; “To heal myself and to help others around me heal.”
My next memory, I was stumbling through a field as I looked to the left and could see across the open meadow my sweatshirt. But just as I was focused on returning to my body, I now had the same intense focus to return to the car some distance ahead of me, and leaving the sweatshirt behind. I was stumbling through the field with my shorts and shirt all dirty and bloodied from scrapes to my body, and at this point even unaware of a snake bite on my rear. Stumbling in and out of consciousness for three days, because of a bottle of anti-depressants that I had stockpiled, “To do the job.” Little did I know as I drove up into the California mountains, that the Heavens would have another answer for my troubled heart and mind.
My next recall, was coming into consciousness and driving through the winding mountain roads and wondering how I was able to maneuver the car; knowing that the angels of Heaven were with me as I slipped away again. Next, trying to focus as I was at a fast food drive-thru and hardly able to get the word out, “Water” as I responded to the young girl’s voice. Then to come to again, as the cashier handed me the water with a look of shock on her face. To this day her look of recoil and shock is etched into my memory as I still wonder, what she saw. And finally the memory, as I opened the door to my parent’s home, seeing my sister and collapsed into her arms. It was a day or two later that I learned the details, of my return. My parents were on their knees and giving up hope that I was alive, and they were now praying to find my body. I truly believe that the angels heard and answered their prayers and that was what brought me home. Of course at the time, my mind would not accept a miracle; I just told myself that I had lapses of memory, because of the drugs in my body. It wasn’t until years later talking to my sisters, who were there when I entered the house, that there was no way I could have driven the car in the staggering and semi-conscious state that I was in.
But this was only the beginning to a road of healing; the healing path that would bring me to the door of a healer, ‘My Elizabeth’. She being a hippie through the Sixties as she now came into her own in the Eighties, a healer in alternative therapies, which included the breath-work of Rebirthing and other tools she had picked up along her own journey. It was here that I began the road to self love, as she taught me that I was not alone in my sensitivities of the seen and unseen world. It was with her that I first confided to my playing with energy, thinking that she would surely think I was crazy, I told her of everyday stroking my Norfolk Island Pine, with my palm just above the plant’s branches stroking it with energy; as I told her how it responded with growing limb off the older limb tips. And to this day I am always checking out Norfolk pines and looking for this growth pattern and finding it to be original to love. Sharing with her of the energy that I came to play with in my palms, and the energy lines from the mountaintops that I can sense and feel with a seeing/knowing of another sight. With all of this, she opened up a door, a door of self-awareness and love. It was through her that I began to value who I was and the painful journey that led me to even try to escape this life. As she opened the door through breathing to the pain of my childhood, my sexual abuse by a neighbor, and my fear of the world. Through her mirroring love, I began to love and value who I was and even my being gay.
It was with her that I opened another door. A door that would eventually take me to learn her craft from her and even going on to be trained and certified in hypnotherapy as I began to fulfill my new programming, “To heal myself and help others around me heal.”
It is at this juncture that brings me over a span of decades, where Elizabeth has transitioned this earthly life, and I am still working on how I fit into the world. My world has evolved and changed over the years, with Elizabeth it was a focus of how I could love myself in a world that hated me for who I was. With her I learned that my being gay and the disapproval of others was not about me as much as it was about other people. With her I tried to piece together how I could be spiritual and not abandon who I am, because it did not fit into the mold of others around me. Everything in me just wanted to fit in and be ‘normal’. Years prior I had to give up a part of myself, because I could not see a fit and it was hard to try to extrapolate my Mormon upbringing out of my being. It caused a lot of pain on many levels and I became angry with God, “How could He do this to me?!” was my cry for years. With the work of Elizabeth it softened the cry of pain into coming into who I truly am, a seeker of truth wherever I can find it. Over the years this “seeker” part of myself has taken me into the Native American traditions of loving myself through nature. It has taken me into the world of metaphysics, of bridging the scientific and the spiritual. Leading me to Peru and the indigenous world of the modern Inca and even to India where I sought, the peace of mind. Often as I would travel on my journey I would hold a piece of truth up to the light and I would say to myself, “This looks like Mormonism.” and I would tuck it away in my pocket with the other truths that I had gathered and would journey on, never joining any tradition but always seeking the freedom of truth. As I sought truth and eventually softened to the words of God and Christ, I found myself having experience upon experience that opened my heart again to the spiritual world of my youth. My sister would call me every six months when the semi-annual conference was being held of the Church of Jesus Christ of latter-day Saints and encouraged me to listen. As I listened my spirit body was moved and tears of the Spirit would stream as I heard love and truth. But still could not reconcile how I could fit in, for I was a maverick. A maverick with the freedom to roam in my spiritual journey, and I came to love that freedom. I would often come to view the corral of the Mormon church from a distance and I would say to myself, ‘I could never be happy back into those tight quarters again,’ and I would journey on. And it was in the thickets of the wilderness that I heard His voice as He sought me out. For truly it was I who was seeking Him, He who is the bearer of all truth even, All That Is. And it was experience after experience that was my bread crumb trail as I gobbled up each experience and was left wanting more, having now a taste of the sweetness of His love.
As you continue to read you now see how in His wisdom and love, Christ is the Master of all healers and the Master Therapist. For in His wisdom He met me where I was at, a student of the East, where I was able to grasp and partake of the rod of His truth. And in this He won my heart and I am ever His.